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Depressing rant about my depression! YAY!

I remember vividly, crying in my room, cutting myself because I was so upset about Michael Jacksons death, all the bullying I had witnessed during the day, all the bad things that happen in the worlds like war, pollution, starvation. I was so affected by other peoples pain that it upset me to the extent I would feel the need to put myself through physical pain because I thought it was so unfair. I was around 13 when this would happen. It happened for about two years following Michael Jackson’s death. I was so emotional and something about it felt so good. It felt good to cry about someone and something other than myself. It felt good not to be selfish. 

Today, I can’t cry about other people. I haven’t cried for someone else in years. Lord knows I want to so bad. I want to cry because I may have to leave my boyfriend when I go to college. Not because I don’t love him, but because I know that if I don’t the jealousy will drive me insane, even though I never wanted to be the jealous type I know I will be. I want to cry over all the suicides that have happened in the past couple years all around me. So many kids from where I live have committed suicide. I can’t seem to bring myself to cry about it, though, which is killing me. Every time I drop my boyfriend off at his house after we have spent time together, he starts crying because (or at least I think it is because) he knows I’m leaving really soon. I look at him and I want to be able to do what he does I want to be able to look at him and think about the fact I’m leaving and cry too. But I can’t.

I think one of the reasons I can’t cry is because I don’t want anyone to see what kind of affect they can have on me, or just that I don’t want them to have an affect on me. Or maybe it’s because I have cried too much for other people in the past I just don’t have it in me anymore. The last time I cut myself I ended up in the emergency room. But, when I was cutting myself, I wasn’t crying. I wanted to, which is why I cut, but I just didn’t shed any tears. My heart was torn out and my mind was in shreds and I couldn’t cry. 

I’m not saying that I don’t cry. I do. A lot. But it is always for me. I cry for myself. I cry when I don’t get my way. I cry when I can’t see my boyfriend when I want to. I cry when he spends time with other people WHICH IS CRAZY and I hate that it makes me feel like that. I cry because of selfish reasons and it is breaking my heart that I have become this kind of person and I hate it so much and it is the reason I even think about harming myself. I think about harming myself a  lot more than I’d like to. I think a lot of the time I’m in denial about my self harming thoughts but they are definitely there. Maybe even every day. And I am scared to go to school because I am scared I won’t have enough happy distractions. Some times I even think I won’t make it through the next year. I can’t see myself graduating. I can’t see myself getting married. I can’t even see myself with anyone other than my present boyfriend. I can’t see myself with kids or a job I enjoy. I don’t see my future or a way to get there. I’m so tired and scared and I don’t really know what to do. 

Yesterday a 17 year female, who attends Lancaster High School in California, was beaten by a football player, on school grounds, for being gay. After receiving over a dozen blows to her jaw, head, eye and head, all he received was a 5 day suspension by the Lancaster School District. She suffered from a fractured jaw and multiple concussions to the head and the Deputy Sheriff advised her mother to re-think her wanting to file charges against the football player because her daughter pushed him back. The school ended up documenting “assault” charges on the victims school file, NOT the football players!!! To make things worse, the Deputy Sheriff warned the victim, by saying, “Just so you know, if you file charges against him, I’m taking his side.” We’re attempting to raise awareness and bring this story to light because Lancaster High School is trying to sweep this “Hate Crime” under the rug!



Reblog if you care and please forward to everyone you know. P.S. CBS, KCAL 9 news are running the story tomorrow at 10pm.


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